even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my being single is dangerous.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
