I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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