He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
