I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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