Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
