it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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