You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
