dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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