Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
