Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
