Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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