i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
