this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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