I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
