I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
