my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
