she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
