can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
