He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
