Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
