I must be too annoying 4 u.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
