she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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