You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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