All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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