Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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