i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
