The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
