And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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