A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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