at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
