im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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