im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
