when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
