she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
