Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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