Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
