Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
