Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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