so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I touched a dick in church today
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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