what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
