A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
