You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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