OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
