You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Girls should come with a carfax report
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
