I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
