I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
