I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
