Pass out mid-funnel last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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