Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
