our cab driver is having phone sex.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
