My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
