Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
