tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
