Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
