I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
