i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
