cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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