I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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