She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
